"I Host In-Person Dating Events, This Is What I’ve Learned About Making Connections IRL"

Connecting offline involves an element of risk, but getting outside your comfort zone is always a good thing in the world of dating.

I was watching When Harry Met Sally the other night, arguably one of the best rom-coms of all time, when I felt a twinge of nostalgia for a time I never actually lived through. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it must have been like to exist in a world free of cell phones, remote work, self-checkouts and, most pertinently, dating apps. What was it like to go to a dinner party and be really, truly present, all too aware of the fact that, outside of work, social events were most likely how you’d meet your next romantic interest?

As someone who’s been single for a long time and has written extensively about the contemporary dating landscape, I believe we’ve lost the art of forming in person connections. I also believe it’s a key reason why so many of us are struggling to find love. Whether we’re glued to our phones on the train and fail to notice someone cute looking our way, or don’t flirt with anyone on a night out because we know we can go home and mindlessly scroll on Hinge, the way we’re dating right now is disconnected from how intimate bonds are actually formed.

Of course, we can’t rid the world of technology and dating apps, but what we can do is be more proactive and intentional about the way we connect with people. This is why my friend Eloise O’Sullivan and I ran a series of in-person dating events last year, to create a space where people could do this. Here’s what they’ve taught me about making connections IRL.

Everyone wants to meet their next lover offline

The number one topic of discussion at our events was always the dating difficulties attendees were experiencing, particularly with app-based dating. Everyone at our events told us they really wanted to meet someone offline, but many of them felt this desire was a bit of a pipedream. It’s all well and good to have this desire, but if you’re never going to put yourself out there and act on it, then you can’t be upset that other people are taking a similar approach. And this brings me nicely to my next learning.

It’s worth taking the risk (even if it doesn’t work out)

Asking for someone’s number, initiating a flirty conversation or making intense eye contact are all scary, nerve wracking acts because they require risk. Anytime you put yourself out there, you run the risk of the person rejecting you or the attraction not being reciprocated. But connecting with people in person is like a muscle. The more you do it, and the more confident you become with initiating flirty conversations, the easier it becomes.

At our events, I’d witness people transform from nervous wrecks who could barely speak to anyone into people who were actually enjoying the act of flirting and meeting new people. Sometimes, these people would leave with multiple exciting new connections (and sometimes a cute date would already be locked in).

So, if you put yourself out there in person and it doesn’t work out, don’t fret. It’s still worth it. You’ve flexed the in-person dating muscle, and you’ve challenged your reliance on dating apps. These are both things you should be proud of, and they’ll make it much more likely that you’ll have the experience and confidence to throw your hat in the ring the next time you see someone cute out and about.

Lead with authenticity and curiosity (and ditch the cheesy pickup lines)

When it comes to connecting with someone IRL, there’s a big misconception that you need to have the perfect snappy opening line to capture their attention. In particular, many men seem to think that pickup lines actually work (I can tell you firsthand, they really don’t). Something we always tried to cultivate at our events was authentic conversation, and when people went into conversations being their most genuine selves and leading with curiosity, that was always where the best connections developed.

I can’t tell you how attractive a quality curiosity is, and how drawn to it people are. If you’re shy or socially anxious, try flipping the focus back onto the other person. What do they like doing on their weekends? Where did they grow up and do they have any siblings? What’s their experience with dating apps been like? Have they seen any good films lately? There’s so much you can find out if you approach conversations in this way, and it makes the other person feel good too.

What you like IRL can differ from the apps

Something I can’t stress enough is that what you gravitate towards on dating apps might be vastly different to what you’re into offline. In my experience, people would often come away from our events surprised by who they felt a genuine connection or interest in, telling us that it was very different from the people they’d been matching with online. Dating apps encourage us to focus on appearance above all else, discounting the other qualities that are so essential to attraction and healthy long-term partnership.

I’ve been on dates with men from dating apps who looked incredibly attractive online, only to find out they weren’t funny and kind in person, or displayed practically no curiosity about me and my life. Conversely, some of the best dates of my life have been with people I met online or offline that were a little outside my usual type, or who I didn’t initially find as attractive. Keep yourself open to a variety of people, and allow yourself to be surprised by someone, too.